Tonight, as I write to you, I will finally take the time to explore what I have successfully been able to avoid for years...The Paradox. This is going to be a free flow of ideas because I'm going to be coming from my heart and not my brain. So why do I struggle with this? Let's begin with the easy part, Med School. Growing up, I was shy, insecure. Books were/are a comfort to me. When something makes sense, it's satisfying. Medicine is an artful combination of science and humanity. Plus, it's problem-solving. Also, there is no focus on myself.

The triathlon is important to me for one reason only. It would symbolize that I had put myself first enough times to complete such a physical challenge. When I said "swimming is hard" I meant "finding the time to practice is hard."

So here it is. (I'm in tears as I write this, as this is quite emotional.). I really don't know how to put myself first. I'm trained as a doctor to care for others, as a mother to care for my children, as a single parent to care for the household, and with being in a relationship to care for my guy. Did I mention that I am the President of the Provident Medical Staff?

Since the age of 50, I would swim a lap for each year of my birth. Each year I would do this as a gift to myself because it would be about me. Then, I would come to Team Dream and start the training. Then life happens and I trail off. Life gets in the way, and I can't navigate around it. Then I tell myself, I'll do it next year and the cycle repeats itself.

I write this now because today was a slight breakthrough when I was placed in a pool where I couldn't stand up. I had to face an anxiety and although I didn't conquer it, it didn't conquer me.

Participating in a triathlon would be a culmination of training and facing a fear of open water, specifically not being able to stand. It would mean that I have successfully put myself first, not to mention the health benefits. Most importantly I would have been able to have staved off the most powerful naysayer in my life...me.

The lake awaits...